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Dr. Richard Jordan
San Diego County Psychologist
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SEXUAL HEALING
This area of the site is devoted to the
sexual aspect of relationships.
Click Here for Sexual Healing Resources: recommended
teachers, workshops, DVDs, books, and music.
See Sexual Healing Discussion for Dr. Jordan's commentary on sexual
healing, the role of sex in relationships, and Tantric practices.
Sexual Healing; Sexual Expression in Intimate Relationships
Sexual intimacy is very often the first thing to go when a couple
begins having relationship problems. This is because the sex act, if
done with any level of eyes-open consciousness, is the most intimate
time we share. So, if someone is feeling fear because the relationship
is feeling a little too close, this fear is likely to show up in the
bedroom. Because we are usually not fully conscious of this fear,
rather than tell the truth about needing some space, we unconsciously
sabotage by finding excuses to avoid sex. Common sabotage tactics
include working too much, physical health problems (not tonight I have
a headache), and magnifying minor flaws in our partner.
In these situations, sexual healing is not about improving sexual
technique, Tantra, or the like. It is more about heightening our
awareness of what’s stopping us from being closer with our partner
more of the time. It is about a process of unraveling ever-deeper
levels of truth about our fears, telling those truths to ourselves and
our partners, and thus creating more clear space within which to share
our loving expression. So, in a way, effective relationship therapy is
really sex therapy.
For couples who are successful at creating clear space within which to
share loving expression, sexual healing enters other dimensions. These
dimensions involve a surrendering of many of the cultural/societal
views, beliefs, and judgments surrounding sexual expression. This is
where Tantric practices are quite valuable. As I discuss in my book,
“Relationship School, A Path of Conscious Loving,” one might consider
that a relationship exists on three levels: Eros, Amor, and Agape.
Tantric practices date back quite far in time, and have less to do
with Amor (or the myth of romance) than with Eros and Agape. See my
book for more.
Tantra, or Tantric sex, gets a lot of attention these days. If you ask
a Buddhist historian or purist, they are likely to tell you that
Tantra has very little to do with sex. At its roots, Tantra refers to
a collection of teachings. Part of the root of the word, 'tan', can be
interpreted as 'to stretch.' At the time of the emergence of these
teachings, the pages upon which the teachings were written were
stretched and bound. We see a similar root in our use of the words
'text' and 'paper' derived from textile and papyrus, referring to the
materials that were written upon in the distant past. Having said
this, there was a subset of Tantric teachings that addressed
enlightenment and purification via the pleasure path of sex. It just
seems that our default interpretation of the word Tantra, when it
comes up, is about the sexual subset of the teachings, once again
illustrating, perhaps, how our word usages sometimes change over time.
If a couple is ready to devote their relationship to the conscious
evolution of their souls, and greatly enhance their sexual pleasure,
the sexually related Tantra teachings are a quite powerful path. In
its true form, Tantra is less about sexual gratification and more
about soul evolution. It is a vehicle, a catalyst that allows a couple
to dedicate their “I and thou” relationship to the Divine. This is
what it’s really about, although many are enticed to practice Tantra
for purposes of enhancing their sexual experiences, such as extended
male performance and female ejaculation. And, well, there’s certainly
nothing wrong with that. In fact, it can make sex so much more fun and
interesting, and can make it last longer than…shall we say 2 to 30
minutes? It’s simply more toward the Eros side of the equation than
the Agape.
So, whether a couple is struggling through their fears, or well down
the path of devotion to the Divine, the lessons of Relationship School
often show up in the bedroom.
To arrange for counseling, workshops, or speaking engagements, you may
contact Dr. Jordan at:
drjordan@cox.net | 619-303-5062
Counseling Office Location: 5100 Marlborough Drive, San Diego,
California 92116
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